Are teachers emotionless? Should they be? As I search my memory I can't seem to remember many instances where teachers showed emotions; other than anger, concern or disappointment. This isn't to say I didn't have fabulous educators because I have mentioned before how proud I am to have had the opportunity to be educated in Massillon, Ohio in The Perry Local Schools district. (yes, apparently "The" is officially capitalized there) When did it become wrong to show emotion as a teacher? Is it still? How will my students ever be convinced that I am human if I am never anything but complacent, angry, or concerned? What happens when a teacher cries?
Today my small school took a field trip to the neighboring, big school's Veteran's Day program. It is one of the larger attended programs in the state of Montana. I'll be honest when I say that I was only half enthusiastic to go. Perhaps, it was because of hearing other teachers complain about missing more class time, or that the students only wanted to go to miss class and expressed very little care about the program itself. I sat on the fence, but knew I needed to attend. Moments before I loaded onto the bus I glanced at my cell phone and saw a message from a dear friend expressing her sympathy to me regarding the loss of my father. It was ten years ago today that he passed away unexpectantly...a Veteran of the Army, but also a husband, a father, and a friend to many. It's been ten years and I have since found ways to stifle my emotions, but a sinking feeling settled into my stomach as I walked out of school. In passing, a fellow teacher remarked that she didn't want to go because she didn't enjoy crying in public and I paused to wonder if I too would have to hold back tears.
By nature, I am an emotional person. Could that be my flaw as an educator? I've found myself tear up while reading student's papers, or when they confide in me how awful their day was going. Recently, after having a conversation with a parent I found myself crying all of the way home for their family. Are tears my weakness, or do they give me an edge that others don't have?
The Veteran's Day program was lovely. It was a mixture of songs, music, recognition, and speakers. I think what really got to me was listening to the speakers, who were a variety of ages, tell about their experiences. I began to think about my students and wonder if they understood the brevity of these matters. Two junior high boys sitting beside me continued to be disrespectful, rude, and talkative throughout the program. Although I was angry (standard teacher emotion), I also felt sad that they didn't have enough maturity or respect to pay attention and honor our Veterans. I couldn't hold back my tears. My eyes swelled and a single, salty drop streamed down my cheek. I brushed my hair into my eyes and sunk my head into my scarf. I glanced across the bleachers and caught sight of another teacher who was also showing emotion. Gasp! Two teachers with stained, red faces?
The program didn't get any easier. I found myself sinking into my emotions and really feeling every word the Veterans spoke. I thought of my father, my brother, my close friend Ray, my girlfriend's husband, and all of the millions of soldiers I didn't know. A few of my students sat with solemn looks on their face, but not many and certainly not one shed a tear. Likewise, not a single student seemed to notice my emotions, or at least they didn't say anything or look my way. I think I would have avoided their glances.
What is wrong with the emotional teacher? What do you do when you're feeling sad? I can remember my assessment teacher in college telling us that one of her hardest days teaching the second grade was the morning after she lost a beloved dog. Her advice was to tell your students that you are sad and if you can, why you are sad. After she told her second graders about her passed pet they all began telling her stories about their pets and how they loved them. In the end, their bright, cheery little voices gave her the strength to keep moving forward. Another amazing teacher I met while at MSU told our capstone English Ed. class that she tells her students on the very first day that she will indeed cry in class if she is brought to tears and she won't hold it back. I hope my future students bring me to happy tears. I really believe that emotion should be welcome in he classroom. If I am to create a safe environment, then it needs to be an environment that is safe to experience and share emotion in.
My message to the future teachers of American, and to any teacher who has had to stifle a tear is to let it out...Don't be afraid to show your students who you really are. I'm not ashamed that some of my classes have seen my ridiculously silly side, or that they have made me laugh so hard that my face turned red and I could hardly speak. The more we show our students we aren't aliens, the more I believe they will respect us. Of course, I don't condone crying often, or becoming uncontrollably upset, but a tear shed in respect to a beautiful speech, a sad story, or the honoring of a service man or woman is nothing to be ashamed of. Although teachers set examples, we don't have to pretend to be someone we're not. We want our students to find themselves and be proud of who they are, so we should do the same. When I committed myself to teaching I didn't commit myself to being a robot educator, but one with compassion and energy.
I still have a heavy heart, but each one of my students is making it lighter. Maybe, just maybe they don't think I'm an alien. I love my job.
